Silence...

...that which is left when events unfold that leave you reeling and unsure of what to do or say next. Silence takes over, punctuating the shock. Though the news of Suzi's death has left me speechless, Suzi does not leave me speechless. In fact, there aren't enough words to contain Suzi.

I sat down to write something to honour my friend, something creative, witty, heartfelt and expressive, just like her, but anything and everything I write seems flat and unsubstantial. You can’t fit a person, a personality, like Suzi into words, which is quite fitting actually since Suzi never liked to be put in a box.

Once you met her it was impossible to forget her. It was inevitable that she would impact your life. In all honesty I don’t remember exactly when or how Suzi entered my life because she has been a fixture since my middle school days. She was my small group leader in high school and she has been challenging me ever since. Even now, 15 years later, the group has changed and evolved multiple times but we still brag about being the Best Small Group Ever. When you consider our professionally designed hand-outs, endless “detours”, inside jokes, meaningful conversations, and of course the coffee, I don’t think it’s even up for debate. We are the best small group EVER. There was no skirting around the controversial issues. I found myself driving home on a weekly basis wrestling with the personal application of our discussions. It was reading Mark Batterson’s “Wild Goose Chase” as a small group that prompted me to investigate teaching overseas and it was largely due to Suzi’s encouragement that I now find myself pursuing God’s plan for my life here in Senegal.

The depth of Suzi’s insight never ceased to amaze me. She read more than anyone else I know, and was often reading 4 or 5 books at the same time. I sometimes wonder if ebook readers were invented solely for her use. I am left wondering what I will read without my personal consultant to advise me.

One of the things I admired most was this endless thirst for knowledge, and experience. It was not at all unusual for me to show up at her place for a Saturday movie night or a Monday small-group night to be greeted by, “coffee?” followed immediately by, “have you heard of this book?”, “have you listened to this amazing song?”, “have you seen this new videoclip?” Suzi loved to expose others to her newest finds and we were always the better for it, if not simply entertained.

She was an adventurer as is evident by her many travels to New York, Ukraine, Sachigo Lake, and of course, Paris. I have never met anyone as passionate about Paris as Suzi was. She could plan your itinerary down to the meal you should order at a particular bistro on the left bank. As much as I enjoyed talking about Paris and sharing stories of our visits, it is her passion that resonates with me. Suzi was a passionate person. Even her deep, full, laugh exuded the whole-heartedness with which she embraced life.

Scarves, toile, japanese cherry blossom scent, St. Jacob’s market, Star Trek, Lug products, Jane Austen, JJ Abrams, Starbucks, the fall, even a national monument as famous as the Eiffel Tower will always carry my thoughts to my dear friend and bring a smile to my face.

She was my loyal friend and mentor. She possessed so many of the qualities I aspire to attain. She was insightful, well read, and a creative genius. Her life was an example of servant-hood and selflessness. Suzi pursued God and a closer relationship with Him relentlessly and influenced others toward the same goal. She was funny, genuine, and passionate. She dedicated herself wholeheartedly to any and all of her pursuits. She has left such an indelible mark on my life that it’s hard to know what would be left of me had she not been a part of who I have become.

I think that under different circumstances, if Suzi were grieving with us, she might find encouragement and strength in the words of her favourite poet, Rainer Maria Rilke:

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the question themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

I miss you more than...miss you more.